If there is one thing the British excel at above all else, it is inventing ridiculous, convoluted euphemisms to avoid talking about intimate bodily functions directly.
From seaside postcards and Carry On films to classic British sitcoms like The Inbetweeners and Peep Show, innuendo is practically a national sport in the UK. And few subjects have inspired quite as much unhinged linguistic genius as solo pleasure.
Whether you're down the pub listening to cheeky banter, watching British TV comedy, or just curious about the colourful side of English slang, here is your definitive, tongue-in-cheek guide to 16 hilarious ways to say masturbation in English—covering male slang, female euphemisms, Cockney rhyming slang, and laugh-out-loud metaphors!
🇬🇧 Cockney Rhyming & British Classics
1. Tommy Tank
Origin: Classic London Cockney Rhyming Slang (Tommy Tank = Wank). Usage: Legendary British rhyming slang. Often shortened simply to "having a Tommy"."He was in the bathroom for forty minutes—pretty sure he was having a Tommy Tank!"
2. Pulling one's wire
Register: Everyday British working-class slang. Usage: Very common colloquial phrase across England and Wales for male self-pleasure."Tell him to stop pulling his wire and get downstairs, the match is starting!"
3. Shaking hands with the bishop
Register: Humorous British euphemism / double entendre. Usage: Satirical British humor inspired by the distinctive shape of a bishop's mitre hat."Uncle Bob popped to the loo to 'freshen up', or as my dad whispered, shake hands with the bishop."
4. Having a wank
Register: The universal British baseline term (informal / vulgar). Usage: While Americans say "jerking off", Brits virtually always say "having a wank" (or wanking)."Don't go into his bedroom without knocking—he might be having a wank."
🐒 Animals, Occupations & Surreal Metaphors
5. Milking the one-eyed milkman
Register: Pure British pub banter / outrageous visual pun. Usage: One of the most creative, surreal, and laugh-out-loud euphemisms in modern spoken English."He locked himself away all Sunday afternoon, probably busy milking the one-eyed milkman."
6. Choking the chicken
Register: Universal English comedic slang. Usage: Extremely popular worldwide, constantly referenced in Hollywood comedies and cartoons."Did you really just catch your flatmate choking the chicken in the living room?!"
7. Spanking the monkey
Register: Humorous everyday euphemism. Usage: Classic informal metaphor that has been around in popular slang since the 1980s."He spends half his weekend playing PlayStation and the other half spanking the monkey."
8. Flogging the dolphin
Register: Absurd marine-themed euphemism. Usage: Another bizarre animal metaphor favoured by student houses and university banter."There's no point asking him out tonight, he's staying in to flog the dolphin."
9. Polishing the helmet / banister
Register: Military & DIY double entendre. Usage: A cheeky euphemism frequently deployed in traditional British pantomime and adult comedy."He disappeared upstairs claiming he was 'tidying up', but we all know he was polishing the helmet."
💎 Female Slang & Playful Innuendos
10. Flicking the bean
Register: The most widespread female slang term. Usage: Casual, cheeky, and universally understood across all English-speaking countries."The girls were giggling in the corner of the pub after Sarah openly admitted to flicking the bean before dinner."
11. Polishing the pearl
Register: Poetic yet funny double entendre. Usage: A slightly fancier, tongue-in-cheek alternative to 'flicking the bean'."She poured herself a glass of Pinot Grigio, ran a hot bath, and spent the evening polishing the pearl."
12. Playing the pink oboe / Playing DJ
Register: Musical comedic metaphor. Usage: Modern slang comparing female manual stimulation to scratching vinyl records on DJ decks."I thought she was practicing on her turntable, but turns out she was playing DJ in bed!"
13. Visiting Madame Finger
Register: Vintage innuendo. Usage: A polite, Victorian-style parody euphemism used for humorous comic effect."No dates for Lucy this Valentine's Day—she's having a quiet night in visiting Madame Finger."
🤝 Clever Puns & Wordplay
14. A date with Palmela Handerson / Rosie Cotton
Register: Classic pun wordplay. Usage: Hilarious pun based on 'palm' and 'hand' disguised as famous celebrity names."Dave didn't manage to pull anyone at the club, so he went home for a date with Palmela Handerson."
15. Hand-to-gland combat
Register: Military action movie pun. Usage: Wordplay on 'hand-to-hand combat' popularised in lads' mags and British university banter."He claims he was doing push-ups in his room, but the noises sounded suspiciously like hand-to-gland combat."
16. Having a bit of "me time"
Register: Polite modern euphemism with a cheeky wink. Usage: Repurposing wholesome self-care wellness language into a knowing double entendre."I'm locking the bedroom door, putting my phone on airplane mode, and treating myself to some serious me time."
💡 British Cultural Insight: The Art of the Double Entendre
British culture has always been squeamish about sex, which is precisely why it created such an enormous wealth of humorous euphemisms. By turning a taboo into a ridiculous joke—whether it's Cockney rhyming slang like Tommy Tank or absurd imagery like milking the one-eyed milkman—Brits use laughter to make awkward topics effortless and fun.
Now you know the secret language behind British innuendo, pub jokes, and sitcom scripts!
